About Me...

 

I woke up and looked in the mirror.

 

I saw myself standing on the timeline of my life.  Behind me I could see my childhood, youth, young adulthood, motherhood, womanhood.  I then looked in front of me and saw…well…aging and loss.

 

I saw that each step I would take forward required losing beauty, losing youth, losing days, losing time.

 

I didn’t like looking ahead.

 

So, I kept looking back and began trying to desperately hold onto the beauty I knew in my 20’s and 30’s.  I thought if I could just hold onto that luminous quality, that radiant smile, that glow, that wrinkle-free face….then I would be so happy.

 

No matter what lied ahead, I would look beautiful and full of life and this would then help me FEEL beautiful and full of life.   This would also mean I would be lovely and worthy of love.  Yes!...I could love myself then because nothing would be wrong with me.  Others would want to look at me and I would even want to look at myself.  I would look at my gaze in the mirror and offer myself approval, praise, and love instead of disapproval, despisement.  And I would even (maybe?) stop feeling all that sadness I was feeling as I kept taking steps on the timeline of my life.

 

I started to research beauty hacks – micro-needling, red-light therapy, spa treatments, silk pillowcases to reduce wrinkles, best collagen powerders, and more.  They were all “natural” so they must be okay, right? 

 

I looked at my bank account and felt the accountant in my brain making calculations as to how I could reduce other costs (food!)  to buy this or that treatment.

 

And each day with increased strategizing and efforts, I grew sadder and sadder as I simultaneously knew there was a cosmic clock ticking away.  I could feel its reverberations in me reminding me that I cannot hold onto the Janelle of the past, there is only now, and the me who is in the now.

 

Even as I tried new creams, guzzled collagen-laced smoothies, and practiced face yoga exercises, I felt that the part deep in me was still FEELING at its core that I was not beautiful, lovely, and worthy.

 

I was disconnected from my Value, my connection to Life, the Beauty of this world, the quality of Time that dissolves sequential moments and holds me in the Now-moment that forever contains the essence of Beauty, Joy, Soul-Fulfillment.

 

Should I try harder with these beauty practices and hacks?  Should I throw my hands up and give up? Was it wrong to yearn for Beauty and enjoy that which was beautiful? Was I being vain and shallow?

 

Even with all my years of professional studies and trainings*, and several years of life teaching me the wisdom that comes with tangible loss, I decided I would look for knowledge, wisdom, and insight in a different place. 

 

I got in my car and drove west to sit in the majestic beauty of the Grand Tetons, to gaze at the heavenly water and stones surrounding the Tetons, to look at the vast expanse of the western landscape with juniper wedged into the soil, to see the clouds and skies, to feel the wild – and at times frightening – winds, to see the ancient monuments of Arches, to stand in the dark at the foot of the Tower of Babel, to look into the wind, to put my feet on the stones and sand.  I felt the gush and rush of water run over my toes from snow-capped mountains, I submerged my being in the mineral baths of Wyoming, gazed at the moon in all her phases, looked deeply into the eyes of flowers, smelled the scents of the tall pines, felt my bed shake and rumble all night with the storm pounding around me for hours and hours.

 

What was it all telling me?

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After deep contemplation, I heard within me:

 

"Beauty is sacred.

 

"Beauty is a force.

 

"Beauty is powerful.

 

"The Divine is in the Beauty.

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"The Divine is Beauty.

 

"The Great Artist designed it all and you, my dear, are as exquisitely designed with this same Beauty.

 

"The breath that breathed life into the howling winds, the hands that formed the Tetons and orchestrated the march of clouds and shrouded them in their whimsical colors – this! This!  This is all in you – and is you!

 

"You, my daughter, are beautiful and made of the same elements.  Here in my creation is where you thrive!  Here is where your heart, mind, soul, and body are fed with the deepest nourishment of all.  As you enjoy my creation, you will emanate that same Beauty in all its mystery, imperfections, and sacredness.

 

"Your eyes will shine with holiness just as the lakes glisten with the golden sunlight.

 

"You are blessed and the blessing is always here to receive.

 

"Go now!  Go and enjoy it all – the wind, the sun, the waters, the trees, the flowers, the food, the dirt, the mud, the songs of the birds – it is all for you to enjoy!  This is your home and when you are fully in your home, you are at home within. As you revel in the Beauty of this world, you will know deep within that you are of this same Beauty.  Your Beauty is beyond your wildest dreams.”

 

And here I am now because this message is not mine alone, it is a message for you as well. 

 

You are beautiful, sacred, loved, worthy…..just as you are!

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*•  MSEd from UPenn  as a Reading and Writing Specialist

 •  Certified Functional Nutritional Therapy Practitioner through the Nutritional Therapy Association

 •  Interactive Healing Systems Training

 •  Coaching Training at The Institute for the Psychology of Eating 

 •  On the Matter of Race Program by Lynne Maureen Hurdle: Completion Level 5 

 •  Three Months 1:1 DEI Coaching with Lynne Maureen Hurdle

 •  Leadership Mentorship Program with Lisa Fabrega 

 •  Debra Silverman's Applied Astrology Completion Levels 1 & 2