You woke up this morning with that throb of a feeling. You knew it would be one of those days of trying not to be fully here.
Numbing agents were in order – to soften the edgy ache of impressions popping into consciousness.
If the memories got too noisy…you might stop. Your movement would be trapped by the grip of memories moving in.
Swirling tides of emotions encompass your strategies to take each step in your day.
Your children call you. There’s laundry to do. There's food to be made.
You must orchestrate this day of family needs. You are the centerpiece – all tap into your movements and facial expressions so they can walk into and through their own day.
If you fall apart – from feeling too much – then you fail them and you fail yourself.
You remember the food. You know that which intended to nourish you must blunt your capacity to sense and feel intensely today.
You must stay focused enough to guide, but not enough that you are immobilized by your pain – the pain you didn’t ask for but was put upon you so long ago.
You must numb, numb, numb.
There it is. The food.
Each bite enters you.
It’s not quick enough.
You quicken. You hasten.
You are waiting….
Soon…it will come soon…
There it is…finally you can relax into the numbness.
I see your habits of compulsion are the cry of your heart to finally be free from the grip….that grip. You want to finally relax. You want to finally soften into the folds of your flesh. You yearn for your hyper-vigilant mind to relax and turn off.
You are beautiful in your energies to evacuate from the pain of that which you never asked for.
Even so, please listen…there is a calling.
There is a new way.
You are strong. You are rising and I believe in your capacity to rise even higher.
You can look into the pain.
You can feel.
You are bigger and your power can revive so that you are not dominated by this.